Saturday, 25 December 2010

Christmas Eve

I'm well aware it's Christmas, I never do things on time though.

Yesterday was christmas Eve (naturally seeing as how time and that works), and there was a gathering of old pals in the pub. I hadn't seen some of them in over a year, and my reaction to seeing them again shocked me, based the realisation on how much I had missed each of them.

This reaction was dependant on the person, but it turns out I'd missed some of my friends far more than I thought I had, and other's far, far less. It was pointed out to my be one of the missed, that the unmissed simply haven't changed. More to the point they haven't done anything. They still just discuss exactly the same things we did in school, the same things we joked about, the same stories etc, etc, etc. It's been 3 years since we left, and they've done nothing at all worthy of talking about? That or they're just dull. Either way, I was disappointed that I'd gotten excited to see folks only to feel so apathetic at the reality.

On the flipside of that argument, I REALLY missed some of my friends, and what's worse is I've no excuse for having not seen some of them. They live within walking distance. I am useless. Anyway, as opposed to reminiscing, we sat and discussed new interests, including a rather unexpected turn of intense geekery which pleased me to no end, latest activities, plans for the future, and generally ripped thie piss out of each other. Mostly me with regards to my questionable activities with women of late. Oh and there was that thing about someone putting there arms inside sheep.

It's coming up New Year, and hopefully I'll start updating this thing more often, and keep it up to date. I'll do christmas tommorow hopefully. Then I might do asshat christmas retroactively. Or I'll sit and drink myself to oblivion, it is fucking Christmas.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Ok, Now I Hate The Snow.

Like most of you I have a tendancy to dislike things which almost take my life, hence the title. I recently got lost after an appalingly drunken night on the town. I remember roughly four percent of it. This, in and of itself is not good. When you end up staring down the barrel of the inevitable walk home after realising that it's five miles,  no money for a taxi, and that it's minus seven degrees celcius, you begin to feel despair. Then you realise you're only wearing a t-shirt, and that it's snowing heavily again. It was at this point I felt the need to knock over roughly fifty wheelie bins to vent. I recovered(ish) when I realised I knew how to get home, and off I set. I didn't feel the cold at all. I had no hangover the next day at all. However, I don't think I've ever woken up feeling more disgusted with myself in my life. My memory had more holes in it than an American highschool, I felt so battered (presumably from falling over) that I could've been raped by the Hulk for all I knew, and I had bruises on the palm of my hand. I didn't even know people under 80 could get bruised hands. Fuck this shit.

You may find yourselves absolutely shcoked to discover it actually tought me a lesson. Not only did I stay sober for the entire next week, the next weekend I didn't venture further than tipsy. Four beers as a predrink, check.
No shots when out clubbing, check. Take home gay girl, check. That last bit might look not so sensible to the unimformed...oh well. Between these events was plenty of dancing, good times, encouraging violence and laughs. I didn't do a single thing I don't remember, nor anything that disgusted me. Lesson learned in the long run I'd say. Go me. Moral of the story, don't fuck a wounded bear.

And for the curious, she may get her own entry in the somewhat forseeable future. You guys know how unreliable I am.

Friday, 3 December 2010

Alcohol Fuelled (Mis)Adventures

Is pretty much all I've been up to since last time, besides the mundane usual of hanging and loungeing. Mostly because of the fucking snow.

Normally, as mentioned,  I love snow, I really do. But when it get's to the point where you fear to leave the house in case you're eaten by a wampa, you really start to hate it. The roads are backed up, I've spent hours trying to get to and from work, I'm frozen cold unless I wrap myself up so that I resemble a member of the I.R.A. It's going to be a very long winter.

To this end I have been socially drinking as frequently as possible. So far it has yielded positive results, as nothing terrible has happened and I've made a new friend (which in itself could be considered terrible to the outside world of normal folk, as it seems we're deeply strange).

However we did get stranded in the snow, in Newcastle until 2 AM, which was horrendous. We managed to get home in a black cab with an architecture student names Sebastien. I've now met two real life Sebastiens, and I feel my life is a little better for it. It's the sort of name that makes you suspect that they're secretly a sociopatic serial killer with a fetish for shoes.

Other than that, it's fairly uneventful, so if you'll kindly excuse me, I'm off to watch misfits, listen to Alexisonfire, and reminisce about this time last year when I found a fucking turtle.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Well Haven't I Been Lazy?

There's been an awful lack of blog recently. For this I apologise. Well, if you care that there's been lack of blog I apologise. But anyway, on to what I've been up to, which honestly isn't an awful lot.

I've been hanging out with friends I rarely see more frequently, which in and of itself is a big win. I've been eating a lot more sushi too. Also good.

Recently I've been bullied into watching Misfits, and for this I am eternally grateful. If you don't enjoy the idea of super-powered young offenders with ASBO's and some severe personality disorders then I'm afraid I must no longer consider you a friend.

Musically life's been different too. Daniel is slowly taking over all of my taste in music. I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's one of the few differences between us, and I actually fear we may become some form of gestalt super entity. Live in fear Earth. Also in the vein of music, I saw 30 Seconds To Mars last night, and unsurprisingly they were incredible. The shocker being I also saw Enter Shikari, who I do not like, and my mind was blown. Turns out they put on an incredible live show. Very impressed I was. I hate being wrong.

In cinema news, I recently saw part one of part seven of Harry Potter. I was very, very impressed with it. The tone is right for the film, everything has the same bleak feel to it, it has the sense of gloom and imminent doom that one imagines holidaying in Chernobyl may bring about. Another thing I loved about it is that all three of the leads can actually act now. Dear Miss Watson, it's been a long journey, but I am very glad you stuck with it. Oh, and that red dress. Oh that red dress.

Being as I am from the North, it's now that the weather turns and we cry about it, but not I. There's about two feet of snow in my back garden right now, and I love it. Next snowfall I think I will have to construct more children from snow a la last year. This year I think filling the park's a good idea.

Since I haven't really been up to much else, I think I'll leave it at that, time to be a massive geek and paint some robots.

Wait no, I beat House to a diagnosis. Life complete.

Thursday, 18 November 2010

My friends

I love them. Lots.
If they got petrified would I fuck wait for the mandrakes to grow. I'd fucking buy some, I'm not a cheapskate and deus ex machina doesn't feature highly on my list of important things.

Have this,

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Drink, Food, more Food, there best be Drink soon...

Pretty much all I have done for the past week. Besides...oh wait that started with food.

Minn, Tash, Myself, Sushi. Cheap sushi. Brilliant evening planned. Brilliant evening was had. Though now somehow I have to race through the Harry Potter films before the new release.

And then there was Jen, who, for some reason, can instantly persuade me that pints in Trillians after work are a good idea, when the rational mind knows they are not. Only this time they were, as they were free. Being the very occasional idiot that I am, I had forgotten my wallet. Jennifer offers to buy my drinks.

Jennifer, in case you don't get how much I appreciate you in general, I love you. Lots. Moving on.
We sat, and we drank and we made merry, and casually avoided catastrophe. 5 pints later, and thoroughly grateful Michael is informed it's time to go home (6 pints leeds to oblivion usually). At some point on the way home, I promised to pay back that which I owed lest a Merchant of Venice-esque scenario occur.

Paying back things is something I'm rather fond of, as despite my general nature I hate freeloading. So, it was time for more sushi. I discovered a little wierd pocket-of-rice thing that apparently I'd be able to eat my weight in. Oh, and Jen loves sushi. In the same way that Elvis loved anything labeled "may cause eventual death on a toilet". I was in fact extremely impressed.

Another bit of adventure this week, as I went to Wagamama's for the first time. The food I enjoyed, the place and the service, not so much. And as final note I'd just like to say I am rather sick of hearing " I hope we don't see anyone we know." You make it sound like we're out murdering the elderly, or worse, doing charity work.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

A conclusion of sorts

Right, part two is going to be brief, as I cannot think of much at all to write.

I met some new folks, though I do apologise to them for anything I may have done/said/caused that may have offended them and/or caused them serious injury or death. I was really very drunk. I should get that tattooed on me as a permanent disclaimer.

I got shit scared at the bar as I realised I was being glared at by a very angry looking man dressed as a mummy, only to have him shout at me "PENNER IT'S MECKS YOU TIT!". I've never been more relieved on a night out.

I also remember a moment of disgusting cliché with regards to somebody dressed as Leonidus. I'm actually ashamed of myself. First time this year. Not bad going. I don't remember getting home on halloween at all.

Apparently I shared a taxi with Daniel and a nice girl we had just met that evening. Min being the subtle creature she is nicknamed her Ramona. Oh, and Daniel was dressed as Scott Pilgrim.

Upon arriving home, we decided toast was a good idea. After happily throwing my crusts into the sink, it was time to sleep. Before bed however, I made sure I collected something to prevent my floor being more ruined, as I had gleefully and correctly prophesised I was going to end the wonderful evening with a bout of violent vomiting.

I rarely wish I was wrong.

And mostly I'm not.

Monday, 1 November 2010

All Hallows Eve 2010: Dances with Hobgoblin.

First off, thank you to anyone who's been pressuring me to write, I've been rather lazy of late, your threats are appreciated.

As you may or may not be able to tell from the title, this one's going to be about Halloween. If you couldn't tell, please leave me your name, and address, along with a note to never speak to you again.

It began this year with a mad dash into Newcastle town centre itself, with Miss Milne for company, in order to procure the last minute touches to the costume. It turned out to not be much of a costume, more of an undead makeover, thank you very much Lou. I will say this one last time, you are a life saving babe, and that's that.

After introducing Charli to some of the sandwich based delights of Newcastle, and another quick couple of errands it was time to head home, upon which I realised I would be alone for an hour. I hate being alone, so now was time to drink. Yes drink, nothing else. You foul people. I should point out that at this time it was 3:45 pm.
This is normal for The North, we've been trhough this.

Some bored facebooking led to an unexpected win, in that Vicki, whom I very rarely get to see wished to visit. With Ale. I would call this a victory. Daniel then arrived, and the murderous rage that I seem to slowly sink into every time im left alone began to subside. I think that might be a problem in itself but hell, it'll be something to write about.

It was at this point that drinking really started, going through five pints of my favourite mythological creature inspired beer. Cracking open the Deep South seemed like a good idea at this point, but as usual with almost all of our ideas which involve Deep South, it was not. This is where my memory of the evening starts to get confused. Six PM folks, and it's already clouded. I know who ended up at mine, but not in what order. Except that Vicki was next. Followed at some point each by Josh, Lou, David, Charli, Amber, and Erminia.

After struggling to sit still and have makeup applied, I ended up looking pretty damn dead. Mission accomplished. After some more drinking, finished our bottle of SoCo knock off, and some extremely ill advised shots of sambuca, Min and I stole a lift into Newcastle, and abandoned the others to the hell that is public transport. Sorry. I can only beg your forgiveness.

Upon arriving at Krash I discovered to no surprise at all that almost everyone was out. We do almost nothing for Christmas, but missing Halloween is considered as bad as genocide.

The younger folks were out in force, all of them having made a fantastic effort with the costumes, top form gals. It was also good this week to see more of you as seperate entities, not the terrifying hive-mind that I'm usually presented with. Though I am thoroughly blaming you for the amount of money I spent, which was frankly shocking. Oh, and just because I promised you'd be in this, your costume rocked Eve.

I think I've decided this is enough for one block, stay tuned for part two, where Michael is attacked by serial killers, the embalmed, and teen wizards. Oh, and I made some friends, which is totally predictable.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Why are we on a tropical island?

First night out since my surgery. Options are:

1. Take it easy, I'm out of practice, drinks are going to hurt.
2. Sod that, I'm from the North.

One bottle of my favourite poorly disguised Southern Comfort knock off later, and option 2 was no longer option 2, but reality.

No, I did not drink the entire bottle myself, I'm from Newcastle, not Glasgow. Partners in crime for this occasion being Chris and Erminia. Breed 77 Karaoke is becoming a highlight of my evening on Saturday. Note to readers, Chris cannot sing. What I do is actually considered a warcrime. Poor, poor Min. And Paul, Pedro, Danny, Stu and Oscar, if you ever ever read this, we're truly sorry for what we do to your music (Pete too I suppose).

After being forced to listen to Placebo in my own home, we decided we should probably not leave Dale in the cold any longer. Poor baby.

We met a shivering and confused Dale at the bus stop, and headed out to meet Ben and crew for some drinks as Ben is now old. After making the sensible decision of downing a treble whiskey and coke, it was straight to Krash, minus...everyone but Ben. How does that work?

Anyways, after being generous on the door, theres not an awful lot I remember of the evening. I spent £50 on what I can only assume was drinks for everyone. I must've downed every damn jagerbomb I bought, as eveytime I went to take a drink I ended up on the dance floor. I know for a fact I bought Marc a drink, and that doesn't happen. Ever. Thanks for an excellent night, to all who were there, even If i don't remember seeing you. Im sure it wouldn't have been the same without you...kind of. I'm actually not really sure of much anymore, but that's for another time.

We just managed to make it to the bus, which I'm informed was packed with people I know. It could've been full the brim with shurikens and lightning for all I remember. Conversations at subways can go on for a lengthy time when you're so drunk you can barely walk, and luckily with this one involving the middle Clements brother, Im glad I barely remember.

The next day was less glorious, but I'll tell you  one thing I've learned, if you're ever going to be naked and vomit on yourself, do it in the shower.

Friday, 22 October 2010

Of herbs and failed caramel.

I have just ran into something I cannot cook : confectionary. Herbs have nothing to do with it really, but who can grab the reference?

Anyways, that's besides the point, I SUCK at cooking with sugar. I'm not used to this. I usually succeed in creating something resembling what it's supposed to be everytime, but praline apparently has evaded me.
I'm gonna nail it next time. With nuts. Yeah.

In other news, I am the greatest friend ever. Consider if you will, that I gave someone a ball of fat as a gift and they were overjoyed.  Admittedly it was an Adipose, and they're fairly fucking cool, but still, I'm awesome.
Ego trip over. By the way, to the Death. This blog is probably going to end up filled with in jokes, and sci-fi/geek references. If you spot a reference, comment and ask, and I'll congratulate or mock you.

Plans for adventures on the weekend include : Sleeping, Drinking, Sleeping. It is great to have alcohol back, in the same way it's great seeing an old friend, but an old friend that you remember you fucking hate, but don't quite want to cut out of your life. If you know what I mean. Hangovers that feel as if you've been super-effectively critically hit by a freight train full of whales are not a pleasant companion on Sunday morning.

Halloween is looming, and I am predicting an epic night due to Krash being open till 4 as it's after pay day, and the clocks going back an hour, so we'll effectively be dressed up like twats, mortal drunk until 5 in the morning, and everyone is going out.  I'm afraid I'll be cheaping out and going as a zombie, unless somebody wants to donate there face for my buffallo bill costume...just kidding, the kids in the basement will do.

Oh, and you're my bitch tommorow night.

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

How I love Anteaters.

Having nothing to blog about, I'm going to rant about how awesome anteaters are. You know in Jurassic Park, when they rant about the raptor's sickle claw (and somehow, eveyones got one), and how it disembowels people left right and centre? Triple that, and you're close to an Anteaters foreclaws. They use these things to batter their way through feet of baked clay. And to kill Zookeepers. Look it up. They're deadly.

You ever seen an animal with a tube for a face, and a tongue that would embarass Gene Simmons? Anteater's have that nailed down. Who needs a mouth, or  teeth, when you can mush 20,000 ants with the inside of your tube-face?

Another thing which makes anteaters awesome, is the fact that they eat ants. They're the size of bears. They eat ants.

They have giant toilet brushes for tails, and they don't even look real, in short, giant anteaters are the coolest animals on earth.

I'd love to own an anteater. I can imagine it would make me happy for a very long amount of time.

But for now I'll take this.

If you've been meaning to tell someone something then do, they may need to hear it as much as you needed to say it.

I liked the anteater diversion though.

And in case you haven't figured, yeah, there's lots to blog about, but that's mine.

Maybe later guys.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Musings on Ego, or; For Christ's sake go home!

Sometimes, I get too egotistical, a flaw I share with some most almost all of my friends. The cause of it this time, is actually this. This blog, right here, is to blame, and all of you who read it.

Since starting it, I've had nothing nothing but positive feedback, people telling me they've been genuinely laughing at it etc, and it's starting to make me think I might be a decent writer ( I mean genuinely think, naturally I already assumed I'm just brilliant).

People have actually been starting conversations with me based on what I've written, less than an hour after I've posted, harrassing me to write more, and making the effort to keep up with it. My favourite, and probably most worrying comment so far being, and I do quote "I'm following it now like some creepy stalker :3". Cheers for that, now draw me a damn ninja.

With regards to the alternate title, it's really more of an extension of the first half. Minn has spent practically her entire weekend here, due almost certainly to the fact that I'm a brilliant human being, and that there's no better option. This is mostly what's fueling my ego right now.

My house is free now, so you get another entry to my ongoing saga, you lucky people.
Join the hell up and leave me comments now to keep the furnace alight, you disobediant fucks.

Saturday, 16 October 2010

A Bandwagon I Never Did Imagine I'd Ride.

Old Friends

Alcohol has been gone. I'm going to attempt to bring it back today. My throat is feeling an awful lot better, I'm still in the same considerable amount of pain, however I'm in it without medication, which can most definately be seen as progress. This is why I've decided that Alcohol can come back, I've missed it.

Going out is still a most definate no, as I thoroughly do not want to become a walking infection right now. Mostly out of fear of becoming Patient Zero of the Z-pocalypse (patient One always seemed a more apropriate moniker, but hell, it's not for me to decide), but also because I really just don't feel up to it.

I had a lovely time last eve with Charli, we spent it swinging away our troubles and worrying horses, it was somewhat poetic. The specifics of the conversation however [ RECORDS DELETED BY THE INQUISITION]

Today however, I'm sat at home, recently cleaned, wondering wether I should risk an Indians. Im off to cook some chicken based nutrition now, so its time to say goodbye, slam on some Pendulum, and set the volume to "melt furniture".

Friday, 15 October 2010

Not happening like.

Can't be bothered to blog, nothing eventful has happened, I'm off the meds, have this as recompense.

Thursday, 14 October 2010

Laziness Defeated: Level Up!

Since I missed a day I decided I really needed to kick laziness in the crotch, so here goes another entry of "what the hell Penner's been doin'. "

First up was Darren's birthday. Which was an experience. I've never before gone out when people where drinking and not had a drop of alcohol. It quite enjoyed it, but not in the usual, people-are-mortal-and-I'm-sober, and thus they're idiots and I can mock them, but because people werent really drunk, so everything was relaxed and chatty. Apart from Minn, who is positively evil. It's your fault people ask the question. All your's.

After a group of folks who I like arrived (One of the few gatherings where I actually liked everyone present), Crazy Bald John (who is indeed crazy, bald, and John) arrived, whom I did not know. I like Crazy Bald John.
I like most people who make me laugh.

We shortly left the Powder Monkey to head to the Dorset, and I decided a catch up with my dear friend Hannah was in order. I dislike being wrong, I dislike it intensely. Hannah, you're a bad man.

In due course we arrived at our destination, and the pool began. I do not play pool, and so surprisingly enough, I did not play pool. I sat and laughed as people got more intoxicated and attempted to play pool. Except Ken, who got off a magnificently flukey trick shot, rebounding off three cushions, and hitting the ball at the most impossible looking angle and still pocketing it. Bravo Mr Sir.

Comedy discussions are always best a little over the limit, and somehow we got swung onto the topic of "What if Arnie starred in everything?" Daniel owned the night in one phrase: Wingardium Leviosa. Just say it, imagine it, treasure it, a classic that never was.

Little else stood out, however I did laugh aplenty, causing me much enjoyment and pain, and soon enough it was time to go home. By the end of the night I had literally been asked by all involved what was going on, except Andy, who, in true drunken fashion, simply assumed and refused to be corrected. Congratulations Minn, and it still didn't work, so you deal with him.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

I'm very tired, and feeling very D'awh.

I'm too tired to write anything legitimate. I've had a very nice night, I'll probably write about it tommorow, but I couldn't not post before I went to bed.

Cheers darlin'.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Ice Cream and Children

In light of the title, I feel compelled to swiftly clarify that this is most certainly not a post about grooming tips.
It is however, about the fact that my visitor stream seems to be two at a time, in this episode, Jake & Lucy.
I really am getting rather used to people coming to give me sympathy, and it's delicious.

As usual, the day began with what can only be described as...fuck it, you think of a metaphor for extremely sore throat, I'm done. I should note that this was about 1 o'clock pm, as I found it very difficult to get to sleep.

Got showered etc to avoid the aforementioned bear problem, and went downstairs to make a bowl of my favourite paste-like substitute for actual nutrition: Bird's Semolina. I actually love this stuff, and did before this whole caper, and I cannot fathom why people are put of by its mild-adhesive like appearance. Well, ok, it looks foul, I get it, but as with anything that doesn't look so appetising it's much better covered in golden syrup (One imagines Sarah Jessica Parker is probably exempt from this rule...).

Warmed and passably nourished, I sat down to write most of yesterdays blog, but found myself distracted by a website whose rules strictly prevent me from informing you of which internet site I'm not allowed to inform you of. It turns out there's not only so much cats in boxes you can look at.

Next on my itinerary of geek was more Ratchet and Clank, and to my surprise and mild horror I found I was enjoying playing as Clank...I think I'm broken. However, this was abrubtly interrupted (I say abruptly, but obviously "Just one more Level! Syndrome kicked in") by the arrival of  Jake & Lucy.

I reinstate my earlier advice of "go forth and aquire a serious injury", because:

  • The morphine is really worth it
  • People give you presents
So far, every woman I've encountered since I became bereft of my tonsils has given my gifts, and thankfully Lucy was no exception. No tonsils, check. Ok, so paracetamol, ice cream, a load of chomps, and Pineapple Express to watch make Lucy a very good guest. Everyone is being wonderful¹.

We geeked about, and caught up etc, ate ice cream (see, it's relevant), and somehow got on to talking baby names. I would like to inform you all now, that Lucy and I are having children (how we're obtaining them is to be determined). We're naming them Isaac, and Isobella (to be shortened to nothing but Izzy). Sorry to anybody this may disappoint on either side. And I told you this wasn't about paedophiles.

In short order Lucy had to leave to obtain her delicious noodles from home, so Jake and Myself needed to cook food. Let me remind you, that he came to visit me because I'm in a right state and need looking after by my friends. I cooked him his fucking tea. As usual. Basically what I'm trying to say is, Jake, I love you, but for fucks sake.

We talked shit for a while, then he left for home due to him having to travel quite a distance (ok say you can get points for actually making it here i s'pose.) Finished yesterday's blog, then I tried to sleep, and I couldn't.
Luckily, there's a certain insomniac who kept me amused 'till the small hours, with tumblr, and d'awh.

Sleep followed, which, as usual wasn't eventful, and so ended Sunday.

A thank you to all of thee who are reading this, anyone that doesn't have an account should get one and comment me, as I'm a being of ego and this would help motivate me. If you'll excuse me now, I've just had a somewhat brilliant idea and I'm off to draw some ninjas...

¹ In case any of you were wondering "what did Jake bring you?"
  Lucy. I am entirely convinced he could've convinced Jesus that Disneyland was a shithole, and that he should be holidaying in Auschwitz.

Sunday, 10 October 2010

With Friends Like These,

Who Needs Enemies? Anything Else.

Pretty much sums up the post.

Yesterday Zapps and Minn came over, in what I am thinking of as "The Saturday Night Salvage Mission".
I'm not allowed to go into crowded places (in case of : infections/breathing difficulties/somebody recognising me), therefore the usual Saturday of getting blitzed in Newcastle was a big no, and I imagined I'd be facing my computer screen for countless lonely hours before passing out on my bed, thank Christ I was wrong. Zapps agreed to come see me so I was less pathetic and alone, and because he quite fancied playing Ratchet and Clank some more (you know it's the truth, so don't pretend you're offended).

I busied myself with getting cleaned up, and medicating myself heavily so that I could resemble a woken-from-hibernation-too-early bear as little as possible, and had a nice shower (approximate time 1/10 shy of 10 seconds), and waited to not be alone on a Saturday night.

I miss the doorbell which failed to go off, as it was more than likely manufactured by underpaid Korean children, and I'm only alerted to the fact there's someone outside by the incessant howling of my otherwise useless dogs. Answering the door, I discover predictably Zapps is there, unexpectedly with a sideorder of Minn. DOUBLE CEREAL PRIZE!

Pizza and a movie was the next item on the menu, with the slight distraction of Minn giving my Mother a hug,(quite frankly, I'd rather roll in bees), and us trying to teach our recently aquired avian how to say "tits". Garlic bread was devoured, which in retrospect was such a stupid decision it left me wondering how I manage to dress myself. My throat this morning felt like I'd swallowed a porcupine covered in fibre glass. Today I've eaten things based on wether you could use them to stick wallpaper up.

Moving on, we watched Lords of Dogtown, which was an adventure for Minn, who'd yet to see it. Obviously, since she's not thoroughly shit she enjoyed it.

Blurry eyed at this point, bed was necesary, so after hugs, goodbyes, and grooming, Minn went home, and then today was here.

Daniel had stayed over. Daniel is now nearly finished Ratchet and Clank. He didn't sleep very much. This is one of the things I most admire about him, his absolute the absolute wrong things.

Persistant Symptoms Or; The Curious Case of Oh Fuck I'm Deaf

Waking up is becoming akin to the worlds shittest lottery. Yesterday, incapacitating pain. Today my volume has been stolen.

Being roughly 80% deaf pretty much sucks. I'll move my head, something will shift, and I'll hear a word then miss the sentence as my ears decide they hate me again. This has yet to turn into any sitcom moments but there's plenty o' time.

I'm assured this is a common problem associated with trapped nerves and swelling and what not, and that it will go away eventually. It best do, or I'm buying some grease and selling my clothes.

On a related note, I am really appreciating my friends. They're pretty much ceaselessly looking after me, comforting me, and still, when necessary, reminding me that I'm a whiney Bitch.

Except you Zapps, you're just in it for the PS3.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

ASDFGHMYTHROAT HURTS, Or : How I learned to stop giving a shit about overdoses and love the Pills

Everybody has woken up in pain before. Headaches from booze, headaches from fighting, headaches from lack of sleep, general aches from sex, or after a particularly succesful jaunt, all of the above.

How many among you have woke up in literally blinding pain, unable to see due to tears, unable to hear due to swelling, and unable to breath or swallow? It's frightening. Like, corn-field filled with velociraptors frightening.

Two courses of action immediately presented themselves to my currently fragile brain:

Good idea: I've had too many painkillers, I should try and get back to sleep and ignore it.
Bad idea: I'm in so much pain I'll just grab a nice chemical hug and go back to sleep.

Suffice to say I made the Id fuelled choice of "Nom some Pills".  'Til now id been fairly sensible with my intake of drugs, just about keeping to times and doses, but it's true what they say, pain motivates.

Ask youself what got the pyramids built, a placebo, or a fucking whip?

According to my ever steadfast sidekick, the Internet, I should be reaching maximum swelling about now (and thus pain), therefore the end of this should be in sight.

Which would be nice, I suppose, if the end didn't look like a Tyranosaurus Rex holding a 6-pack and contraceptives.

Friday, 8 October 2010

Keystone Moments, or "Shatter Points"

Starting a blog is rarely considered a defining moment in ones life, and in this case, it certainly isn't.

However, what has has caused me to embark on this endeavor is slightly more important: I just had surgery for the first time ever.

The surgery itself, a tonsillectomy, was fairly minor. My major stress at the outset was the necessity of being anaesthetised, not even the unconscious vulnerability of it all, simply that I would need to have a tap inserted into my veins, enter trypanophobia.

To my absolute shock, I coasted through it, more than likely due to my anaesthetist being a hot blonde. Sometimes I'm just a regular guy, who knew?
Roughly ten seconds later (by my conscious continuum), I was coming to with a searing pain in my throat, and the horrifying suspicion that I had been violated by an elephant.

The surgery went fine, it turns out my tonsils were massive, and so I now had huge, painful, cauterised wounds where they had been.

The pain was intense, and I'm generally a whiney bitch, and so the next player enters the stage.

Act 2: Morphine

I hate needles. Hate, hate hate needles. But now I can honestly say I have a glimmer of understanding for heroin addiction. The feeling of not knowing where you are, what's happening, when it's happening, or why it's happening, and honestly not caring in the slightest, at all, because you can hover...seriously. Go forth and aquire a serious injury, it's worth it.

My Parents turned up, I don't really remember seeing them.

Then came the wellwishing friends. I say wellwishing, but I don't pretend to understand what motivates either of them (them being Blackett and Erminia), probably tits and....tits.

I got a whole host of gifts, and promises of servitude during my recovery, then I was told I look like shit by Blackett, and the same thing but ever-so-slightly more concerned and politely by Minn. To their credit, I did, a lot.

Then I spent the worst night of my life alone in hospital, in undiluted agony, pouring blood into a tube and sweating like I'd intruded on Scarlett Johansson doing her laundry. I never want surgery again.

Anyway, now I'm at home, and will be for half a month, so a blog has been started (partly inspired by Luke, so WOOPS to him and all that jazz)

I'm going to do my best to actually maintain it, and chronicle my recovery, and life etc.

So, wish me luck, and for the love of God, somebody read it please.